Good Woman, Bad Woman

                     Last week a group of women from the spouse's church paid a visit. Most of them unknown, but they came with a smile , and also to collect donations. So one did the needed. Then there was talk ,about why no one from the family participates in Sunday mass. I squarely blamed the spouse , (as most intelligent women do, also partly true) but real reason being , have never been the overtly ritual doer of sorts.Plus I don't believe in that faith.Including Sunday mass attendance. Similarly,on Onam day , Mom begged participation in something called " Varalakshmi Vratham".This is akin to "Vata Savitri" or "Theej" or " Karwa Chauth" of sorts, where women worship Gauri, for longevity of the husbands. Apart from the traditional food, (feast actually) , this sort of thing really is not something which one really wishes to do. Personally speaking, anything that encourages a woman to think her existence depends on the longevity of the husband , is and should be outdated. So generally speaking both in laws and parents have always felt I am not exactly "a good girl"(or good woman) , as behaviour does not involve self enthused,religious participation! Then the real question is does it make me a "bad woman"?I dug further,decided to see what I was not.A good woman, that is.

To understand what is a "good woman" , defined by society at large, especially in India , let us take a quick mental survey. A good woman is chaste, religious, a good daughter in law first, a good mother second, a good wife third, she is supposed to "ask permission" from father/spouse/in laws for any activity she wishes to participate or undertake, not wear inappropriate clothes which provoke men to rape her(as boys will be boys), she is "allowed" to be independent as long as she takes permission, she is supposed to "adjust" with her in-laws, forget her parents, change her maiden name too on marriage,who will now be sent away in her "doli" and her "arthi" will have to leave her in-laws house(no matter if she was actually burnt to her death). She also is supposed to not behave in unwomanly manner , is generally excluded out of financial and property discussions (excuse being she will not understand ). To illustrate , the drivers wife has abandoned him , so has his brothers wife. Yet when his mother came asking for a loan, her statement was "dono ladki acchi nahin thi"; Before one shrugs its off saying this is from lower economic strata of society, have a case in own family , of divorce and the statement is the same ,albeit in English "she was not a good woman".Its probably of no consequence that this so called "bad woman" has single handedly bought up her son, is a simple person(who was married to an alchoholic,who used to beat her), is an MCA, has worked hard in the last decade, is still unmarried for the sake of her son,(unlike her ex-spouse who now has another wife and and issue). People who still disagree, would like to illustrate further, a group of friends got together for dinner and were discussing other friends .The statement made to refer one particular person was "oh, that one , she's separated".This also from another female friend. So by definition , women who conform to societal values , largely , "sitammaiyaa" of sorts are what one assumes are "good woman". She dare not choose to leave her spouse, or marry again or even express her sexual desires!It is with great pleasure , I have discovered , I dont fit in there. Thankfully!

So again, does it make me a "bad woman" ? Recently one has been plastered by the iconic bad woman of all times, in the face, across all media. I choose to call her Indrani, (adding a surname of any kind would insult her, because she was being only her selfish self, throughout her life). She was a social climber, unwed mother of two, had three marriages, multiple liaisons, now a murder of her own daughter,terrible business woman , and a siphoned off company funds , to the extent Temasek holdings,decided never to invest in India again. To me, the only reason she would qualify as a bad woman would be because she was this disgusting business woman who ran a company to ground and also proved to Singapore, Indian companies are full of cheats. Or a Niraa Radia? She followed the  pattern largely, brought down two companies,two political parties and one government  because of her foolish arrogant behaviour. Is she a bad woman? I have a personal grouse against her ,(she didn't pay my bills) so for me she is the baddest woman, but is she? (She hasn't murdered anyone yet, but is close to many murderers,also convicted, some of them)In the sense of definition of the above they don't conform to social,ethical or behaviorial norms go out of the way , for being "Real bad women", what can one say ?Except apologise to humanity at large for their being a woman!

Let's return to rest of us mundane, working women, who like to do things as we like it, who break the mould in some ways , party if we wish to, don't take nonsense largely, do karva chauths just to keep the spouse happy(and the marriage going with some effort), don't wear mangal sutras or bindis, because we don't feel like it sometimes, who speak our minds in a no nonsense manner, treat all relatives with deference,(not with oozy love, who have "relation ships"(we are human aren't we?) and heartbreaks at times ,of all kinds, who don't actually conform to the "woman was born out of man's rib" kind of theory! If one doesn't go to pray every Sunday or Tuesday,doesn't wear abbas as religion demands, but feel deeply spiritual ,connected to god when we pray with no todo, who keep the home fires burning yet ask for our freedom of expression, voice our dissent,participate in investments refuse to be a good daughter in law, a good mother or a good wife at times,and maybe yes, divorce our husbands ,what are we? "Semi bad women"? Or the "almost good women"?

Well as long as society doesn't think that we are asking to get raped, who cares what we are called ? After all "Girls will be girls" or Women will be women"!